Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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