The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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