My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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