he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
