insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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