I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
