highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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