Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
