I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
