please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You ruined the universe
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
