I got her a Nickelback box set.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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