Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
