I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
