dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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