im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I understand Curling. That high.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
