I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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