There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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