I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think people are normalizing furries
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
