so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
