Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
