my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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