These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
