booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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