apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
