just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Randomize
