Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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