I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
