If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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