Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
