you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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