i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
