what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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