I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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