Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
