I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
