I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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