what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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