Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
