i think my mom watched the whole time
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
