Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
