Where is the hickey?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
