I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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