you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
