Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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