he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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