You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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