i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
