I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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