last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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