I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
