my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
