So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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