I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
