we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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